im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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