I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
