I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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