The maid of honor just puked.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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