I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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