So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize