yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
