In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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