Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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