70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
