My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
