I cut my penus on the lid.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize