1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
