the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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