The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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