So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
