I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
