Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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