the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
