He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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