This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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