im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
