Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
