If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
