The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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