I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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