Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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