Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
