Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Drunk is not a location!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
