im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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