I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
