how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
