I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
