Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
