You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
