So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
