it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
