Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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