I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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