see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
