dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hippo gnu deer
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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