keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
