Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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