Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
