It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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