I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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