There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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