Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize