Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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