i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
