Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
