my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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