my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
