yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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