I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
