ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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