I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
