She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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