Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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