His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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