hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
