Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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