FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
