can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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