how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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