how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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