If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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