so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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