Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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