I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
